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      02-18-2019, 02:42 PM   #480
Lups
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Drives: I don't own a car.
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Okay so I have more trees falling on me than the average forum member but this one was a funny one.

I'm known for my even temperament and calm posture. I'm such a good sport always and I never boil completely over and start something insane like digging a ditch around a house. I also am epic at paying people for shit I can do myself, I'm not ever tight with money!

I'm on a tight schedule. The spring is crashing in I have to cut down all the trees I need to cut before the nesting season. From our yard alone it meant 5 60 year old pines and three 100 year old bitches that were clearly a danger to the house had to go, and a few of those Canadian flag ones too.

So I shopped around for companies to do them for me and a few showed up and the best offer I got was 7k.

That was about 6500 euros more I wanted to put In to it.

I decided to do it on my own since our insurance company told me kindly they're not going to cover my project and also that they'd put my life insurance on hold for a month for being killed by a tree. It seems like my insurance agent knows me, eh?

So I took my trusted chainsaw I don't have a permission to use and went after the first birch. That went so badly it ended up being a five hour war against wind and a tree that by any standard should've been blown away by my shouting alone. After renegotiating its landing route with ropes and a car and every fucking person I know in this city, I'm still calling it a victory since not a branch landed on the house.

The second one tried to fuck with me too but this time there were more crew and more skills to sort it out.

So I spent last Friday basically shitting bricks since the birch cut on Saturday was a complete giant next to our house with a bend that put the old side of the house at risk even more than any of the trial runs.

Well, my dear husband had had enough and I was sent to get those stupid thingies you put in front of a jeep or you use by hand with a huge leaver. Mine has the pulling power of 6 tons (kg)and the tree went down exactly how it was supposed to go.

The others went in for coffee and I decided to try out my new super power tool to get the first pine of the day ready to be cut. I had it roped in and I launched my super power wire machine on the tree.

I was reading this forum while I just kept on pulling the leaver and then i broke my phone while running away cuz apparently putting the ropes high, and not paying attention means the tree falls on you.

Anyway. Besides a bit over a foot of my hair getting cut because I'm lazy, I think getting a pine to land almost on me sums up my last few months . Now the winch (is that the thing?) has joined the list of tools I am not allowed to use. Our insurance company has been informed that I've been booted out from the near house gardening and our lawyer says they can't suspend my life insurance for me being a fucking idiot if they can't prove I'm suicidal and left without supervision.

I'm not worried about my lawyer saying that all to my face but he did spend a day pulling a tree to a direction I needed it to land for me so I guess that makes him a good character witness. The shrink on an other rope kept on screaming about all the good drugs I could have if I just stopped doing stupid shit so I'm going with the lawyers estimation here.

Anyway. Now I got like 20m3 of wood to chop to fire wood and a story that'll make me immortal. At times I wonder how my completely sane husband and my completely sane friends always show up for these, and how our insurance company has never received a claim from us but then I remember my mad personality is only matched by my insane luck and calculations I just don't pull out from my ass (but with the first tree, I got lucky. So fucking lucky).

So that's why I haven't been around. I had to build a kitchen to the fucking lawyer and be a clown for the shrinks patients for a day. I fucking hate it when people ask for favours after SOS favours.
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Last edited by Lups; 02-18-2019 at 04:54 PM..
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