[M5Rick]

What part of the car is the laziest? The wheels are because they are always tired.

[M5Rick]

Eatery customer: Do you have bacon and eggs on the menu?
Waiter: No, we clean our menus regularly.

[Buug959]

NM

[Buug959]

.

[3.0L]

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

Usually you get an onion with ears, but once in a while you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

[Llarry]

My dog swallowed an entire bag of Scrabble tiles, to I took him to the vet to get him checked out. No word yet.

[KRS_SN]

Originally Posted by 3.0L

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

Usually you get an onion with ears, but once in a while you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

[3.0L]

Originally Posted by Buug959

.

Reminds me of Cheech & Chong:

“Hey man, what are you smoking?”

“Labrador.”

“Labrador?”

“My dog ate my stash. I had to follow him around for 3 days to get it back.”

“You’re smoking dog shit?!”

[Roman]

So I woke up and my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbor's kids raise blue ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs.

I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I zoomed back home.

Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.

[M5Rick]

My udder car is a cow.

[3.0L]

A police officer sees a man driving around with a big truck full of penguins. He pulls the man over quickly and says: "You can't be driving around with these penguins in town! Take them to the zoo right away."

The guy says OK and drives away.

The next day, the police officer sees the man still driving with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sunglasses now. He pulls the man over and says: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The man replies: "I did ... today I'm taking them to the beach!"

[M5Rick]

.

[3.0L]

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire.

"What sort of accountant are you?" says St Peter

"Public Practitioner," is the reply.

"Name?"

He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out.

"Oh, yes. We've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted span," says St Peter.

"How can that be?" says the accountant. "I'm too young to go. I'm only forty-eight"

"No, that's impossible."

"Why do you say that?"

"Well we've been looking at your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning you're at least ninety three."

[Buug959]

What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?

Nothing, he's glad he ate her.

[Llarry]

I went down to the paint store to get thinner.

It didn't work.

[forumsrs]

A man is washing the car with his son.

His son asks, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”

[2000cs]

Originally Posted by Buug959

What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?

Nothing, he's glad he ate her.

The middle school version of this was, “what do you call an old Roman with hair between his teeth?”

“Gladiator”

[3.0L]

You can’t go home sick because you’re sick of your co-workers.

[Llarry]

Yesterday I decided to make sure that my wife woke up with a big smile on her face in the morning.

Now I'm not allowed to have Sharpies in the house anymore.

[M5Rick]

I said to the house painters why they didn't charge me anything for the paint.
They said not to worry as it's on the house.

[Lady Jane]

Have you heard about the stuttering inmate? He has not finished his sentence.

[Buug959]

After many years of playing guitar I thought I'd try to learn how to play the piano. It's not an easy instrument to pick up.