[Buug959]

Lunch at my local yesterday.

[MassWholeBimmer]

Two drunks

[M5Rick]

Why do shoemakers go to heaven?
Because they have good soles..

[3.0L]

A fellow sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long is the wait?”

The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"

Joey says, "To your house!"

[Buug959]

What do a g-string and a barbed wire fence have in common?




They both protect the property without obstructing the view.

[M5Rick]

In a small pottery shop, there was a cat that loved to play inside the clay pots. One day, the potter asked ''Why do you always sit in the pots''.
The cat replied '' I'm just trying to be pawsitive and support your work from the inside out''.

[Esteban]

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

[M5Rick]

What's a coffee's favourite karaoke song?
Hit Me With Your Best Shot.

[3.0L]

What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?

A can’t opener.

[Buug959]

me: I started my juice cleanse yesterday.

bff: Bullshit! What did you really do?

me: Drank three bottles of fruity wine and fell down the stairs.

[Esteban]

Why did the blonde have sex with a Mexican?

Her teacher told her she had to do an essay.

[Pauly Wauly]

An attractive blonde arrives at a casino and bets twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said. I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled. Come on baby, mommy needs new clothes!
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and screamed. YES! YES! I WON, I WON!
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly left.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded... Finally, one of them asked. What did she roll?
The other answered. I don't know. I thought you were watching.
Moral of the story: Not all blondes are stupid, and dumb, but all men are MEN.

[Esteban]

How do you kill a blonde?

Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.