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      08-25-2020, 11:20 AM   #45
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The boss of a mining ccompany is trying to decide which of his 3 sons to promote so he gives them a test.

He sits them all down aand tells them: "There is bound to come a time in this company when you will hit a sudden economic crisis. When these times come you must know how to cut down on expenses and do the best you can with the budget you have."
Then he proceeds to give them each 1000 dollars and tells them that he will come back to the mine in a week, and see which of them have been able to move the most ore with the money they were given.
He returns after one week, to check up on them, and approaches his oldest son.
“How much digging have you been able to do?” he asks.
“3 tons of ore, father. I used 300 dollars to buy a broken digger; I then used my business contacts to find a mechanic willing to fix it for just 200 dollars, if I gave his five kids a job. The youth are so desperate for a job, this day, they will do 12-hour shifts, even for an internship, and I only had to pay them 100 dollars for a week of work.
The father pats his son proudly on the shoulder before moving on to his middle child, asking him how much he had been able to do as well.

"10 tons of ore, father. I used 100 dollars to run a local ad in the newspaper asking for workers, then took in 75 undocumented immigrants who all brought their own tools and shovels. They’re all so afraid of being taken by immigration that they're willing to work for half minimum wage."
The father looks skeptically at his son for a while, but notices the massive piles of ore the workers are carrying out, and gives him a nod before carrying on to his youngest son.
"How much mining have you been able to do?" asks the father.
"35 tons, dad, but I didn't use any of the budget."
The father looks at him in awe, his jaw dropping, "how were you able to move 35 tons of ore for free!?"
"I invited a bunch of conspiracy theorists. They just keep digging deeper and deeper thinking they're going to find something, and every time I tell them to take a break they accuse me of trying to withhold the truth from them!"
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      08-30-2020, 02:49 PM   #46
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      08-30-2020, 03:26 PM   #47
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A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed.
After a while the girl walked quietly over to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispers, “I guess you felt bad for what you did earlier, right? I study law; I know how to make someone feel guilty."
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      09-05-2020, 04:55 PM   #48
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Aplogies if previously posted. I do not monitor every post. Shared from a chum. Made me laugh.


Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a university in Moscow to have a chat with the students.

He talks to them about how powerful a nation is Russia and how he wants the best for all the people.

At the end of the talk there is a section for questions. Sasha puts her hand up and says:
"I have two questions.
Why did the Russians take Crimea?
and
Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?”

Putin says:
"Good question".

But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the students go to lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says:

"I have four questions.
My Questions are -
Why did the Russians invade Crimea?
Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?
Why did the lunch bell go 20 minutes early?
And where is Sasha?"
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      09-05-2020, 06:40 PM   #49
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      09-06-2020, 05:33 AM   #50
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*Consulting Humour*

Last Friday, I took a guest to Sagar Ratna Restaurant. I noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

I looked around and saw all the waiters had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came I inquired, "Why do you place the spoon in your pocket?"

He explained, "The boss hired Accenture Consulting to reengineer our processes. They discovered the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. Approximately 3 spoons per table per hour are dropped. If our staff carry spoons, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare one.

"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the Indian waiter's zip. Looking around, I saw that all of the Indian waiters had the same string hanging from their zips. I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, can you tell me why you have that string there?"

Then the Indian waiter lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. Accenture also suggested we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our manhood, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 45%."

I asked quietly, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

He whispered, "Accenture didn't mention that in report, so, _We use the spoon_."
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      09-06-2020, 07:18 PM   #51
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What's the difference between the Circus and the Rockettes?

The Circus is a cunning array of stunts...
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      09-07-2020, 02:53 PM   #52
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jimmy K View Post
What's the difference between the Circus and the Rockettes?

The Circus is a cunning array of stunts...
googled rockettes..the stunts on show are so cunning!
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      09-08-2020, 02:22 PM   #53
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
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      09-08-2020, 02:23 PM   #54
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
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      09-08-2020, 02:25 PM   #55
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My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That's the best I've done so far.
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      09-08-2020, 02:28 PM   #56
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A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home." Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house." Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
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      09-23-2020, 02:24 PM   #57
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Remembered hearing this at a sports bar in Phoenix last year: My wife and I were happy for 20 years and then we met!
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      09-24-2020, 08:54 PM   #58
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So I got a camera ticket for speeding, and am taking the Improv online Defensive Driving class right now.... Seriously.... One of their jokes:


Sitting on the side of the highway, waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So, he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."
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      09-24-2020, 09:23 PM   #59
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Next bad joke from the Improv:


An angry motorist went back to the garage where he had purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.

He told the garage owner:

"When I bought that battery, you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. Now six months later, it's dead!"

"Sorry," said the garage owner, "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."
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      09-24-2020, 10:05 PM   #60
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Out driving with his wife, a man sped along a country lane in an increasingly reckless fashion.

"Can't you slow down when you're turning corners?" she complained. "You're scaring the life out of me."

"Do what I do," he replied. "Shut your eyes."
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      09-25-2020, 04:53 PM   #61
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Soul_Glo View Post
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.

I'll show myself out now.
Updated this for you...
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