BMW i
Forum for the BMW i3, i4 and i8
BMW i3 BMW i8
BMW Garage BMW Meets Register Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

  BMW i Forums > BIMMERPOST Universal Forums > Off-Topic Discussions Board

Post Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
      02-20-2019, 11:18 PM   #1
******
Banned
United_States
2041
Rep
1,689
Posts

Drives: 2019 X5 Msport
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Greenville, SC

iTrader: (0)

Joke thread

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
Appreciate 3
      02-20-2019, 11:25 PM   #2
SakhirM4
Major General
SakhirM4's Avatar
United_States
9501
Rep
8,493
Posts

Drives: '15 SO M4/'20 Z4 M40i (coming)
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Austin, TX

iTrader: (0)

Garage List
2020 BMW Z4 M40i  [0.00]
2015 BMW M4  [4.38]
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"
__________________
Tejas Chapter, BMW CCA, mem #23915, President 27 years, www.tejaschapter.org
2015 ///M4, SO/full black, 6MT, HK, light 19"
Appreciate 11
Quiet_Riot5512.50
GERMAN M31475.50
MKSixer15187.50
Now_Rudi6288.50
******2040.50
Run Silent12195.00
wrickem1198.00
NEFARIOUS388.50

      02-21-2019, 01:34 AM   #3
dreamingat30fps
Major
United_States
695
Rep
1,165
Posts

Drives: 2014 C7, 2017 F350
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Florida

iTrader: (1)

Guy sees ad on TV for a weight loss program guaranteed to make you lose 5lbs in a week. He decides to give it a shot. The next day after signing up he gets a knock on the door. He find a beautiful woman at the door wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign that said "If you catch me I'm yours". Every day the same woman would show up but no matter how hard he tried he could never catch her. After a week he had lost 5lbs.

Excited with his progress he calls the weight loss company again and signs up for their 10lbs week program. The next day theres a knock on the door. He opens the door to find the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign that said "If you catch me I'm yours". However this one is even faster and again he's never able to catch her, but after a week he lost 10lbs and was feeling great!

So he calls the company again and asks for their best program. They recommend their 20lbs a week option. However they warn the guy that this is an expert level program only for people in top physical condition. The guy says he's doing great with the previous programs and he knows he can handle it.

The next day there is a knock on the door. He opens the door to find this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign that said "If I catch you you're mine!"
Appreciate 7
MKSixer15187.50
Now_Rudi6288.50
******2040.50
upstatedoc2853.00
SakhirM49500.50
wrickem1198.00

      02-21-2019, 05:17 AM   #4
Quiet_Riot
No Longer on Here
Quiet_Riot's Avatar
No_Country
5513
Rep
6,190
Posts

Drives: Mercedes C63S
Join Date: May 2013
Location: X

iTrader: (1)

A girl realised that she had grown hair between her legs.

She got worried and asked her mum about it, her mum calmly said:

"That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said: "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."
Appreciate 6
MKSixer15187.50
******2040.50
upstatedoc2853.00
paliknight1257.50
Nkc1234.00

      02-21-2019, 05:19 AM   #5
Quiet_Riot
No Longer on Here
Quiet_Riot's Avatar
No_Country
5513
Rep
6,190
Posts

Drives: Mercedes C63S
Join Date: May 2013
Location: X

iTrader: (1)

I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked me if I would like to masturbate in a cup.

I said: "I'm good but I don't think I am ready for a tournament yet."
Appreciate 2
******2040.50
Run Silent12195.00

      02-21-2019, 05:44 AM   #6
Dang3r
Schmollbraten
Dang3r's Avatar
Germany
2633
Rep
1,433
Posts

Drives: RS 5
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Liandri Central Core

iTrader: (0)

Once I got pulled over while I was riding my motorcycle.

I stayed seated onto it while a very young and obviously nervous cop came up and ask, if I could get out of it.
After a mild smile I reask him, if its not enough if I just lowering the sidewindow...
__________________
RS 5 - ZX12R LE - GPZ750 Turbo

I///M the infidel, your BMW-dealer had warned you about
Appreciate 8
GERMAN M31475.50
Quiet_Riot5512.50
MKSixer15187.50
******2040.50
Maynard1101.50
wrickem1198.00

      02-21-2019, 08:19 AM   #7
Darth One
drunk poster
Darth One's Avatar
United_States
3079
Rep
2,648
Posts

Drives: M4 GTS | E46 M3
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: FL

iTrader: (0)

What's the difference between a garbanzo and a chickpea?

Well, I've never had a garbanzo on my chest...

Last edited by Darth One; 02-21-2019 at 09:53 AM..
Appreciate 3
Now_Rudi6288.50
******2040.50
rcaso26130.00

      02-21-2019, 08:24 AM   #8
MKSixer
Major General
MKSixer's Avatar
15188
Rep
7,464
Posts

Drives: 2015 BMW i8, E63 M6, 328d
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Southeast United States

iTrader: (0)

Garage List
2016 M4 GTS (Allotted)  [0.00]
2013 BMW 328d  [0.00]
2007 BMW M6  [5.00]
2015 BMW i8  [5.00]
From one vampire to another:

Why do tampons have strings?

So I can make my cup of tea.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by jtodd_fl View Post
Hell, I get random sausage attacks when I go anywhere.

Several actors have played James Bond, Sean Connery IS James Bond...

Fair and objective hearings don't take place in secret.
Appreciate 2
******2040.50
Now_Rudi6288.50

      02-21-2019, 09:35 AM   #9
Darth One
drunk poster
Darth One's Avatar
United_States
3079
Rep
2,648
Posts

Drives: M4 GTS | E46 M3
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: FL

iTrader: (0)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Run Silent View Post
So this is less of a joke and more of a funny story...

I ran into another submariner the other day and it was fun to watch everyone freak out when they realize how batshit crazy we actually are.

Sitting at a CPE event for professional continuing education and talking to a guy next to me. Guy straight up asks me id I was a submariner. I asked how he could tell.

His reply was gold, "I thought I saw your picture on the wall in your mom's bedroom last night."

The whole row of seats (all professionals) gets quiet, where you could hear a mouse fart. My coworkers are appalled, thinking there is going to be some sort of fight or something. I busted out laughing and asked him what boat he was on...

Later had some coffee with him and shot the shit, but damn I had a hell of time explaining to everyone that this was normal and not to worry.
Do you submariners like submarines because they’re long, hard and full of seamen?
Appreciate 5
Run Silent12195.00
MKSixer15187.50
Now_Rudi6288.50
hybris137.50

      02-21-2019, 09:42 AM   #10
Run Silent
Run Deep
Run Silent's Avatar
United_States
12195
Rep
3,401
Posts

Drives: Back and Forth To Work
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: The Mountains

iTrader: (0)

Garage List
Quote:
Originally Posted by Darth One View Post
Do you submariners like submarines because they’re long, hard and full of seamen?
We like them better because they are long, hard, and BLACK and full of seamen. You know what they say, 100 sailors go down.....50 couples come back up. It ain't gay when it's underway.


also....

1) Two Marines are walking down the street when one of them spots a dog licking himself. One Marine says to the other, "man, I wish I could do that." To which the other Marine replies, "no, you better not. That dog might bite you!"

2) The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy, and Marines bicker among themselves is because they don't speak the same language. For instance, here's what happens after they secure a building. The Army will post guards around the building. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock all the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and then set up headquarters. The Air Force will take out a five-year lease with an option to buy at the end.

3) A senior chief, when addressing his 25 sailors, says, "I have an easy job for the laziest man here. Put your hand up if you are indeed the laziest." Almost immediately, 24 men raise their hands. The senior chief asks the other man, "why didn't you raise your hand?" The sailor replies, "because it was too much trouble, senior chief."
__________________
Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
Appreciate 7
MKSixer15187.50
Joekerr4522.50
wrickem1198.00
Now_Rudi6288.50
Nkc1234.00

      02-21-2019, 09:52 AM   #11
blau iii
Lieutenant
101
Rep
434
Posts

Drives: 2008 335i schwartz on scwartz
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pittsburgh

iTrader: (0)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Darth One View Post
What's the difference between a garbanzo and a chickpea?

Well, I've never had a chickpea on my chest...
I think you have that backwards... "I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face"..
Appreciate 3
Darth One3079.00
Run Silent12195.00
MKSixer15187.50

      02-21-2019, 09:54 AM   #12
Darth One
drunk poster
Darth One's Avatar
United_States
3079
Rep
2,648
Posts

Drives: M4 GTS | E46 M3
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: FL

iTrader: (0)

Quote:
Originally Posted by blau iii View Post
I think you have that backwards... "I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face"..
Haha, you’re totally right. I am the dum dumbs. Edited it
Appreciate 4
Run Silent12195.00
blau iii101.00
MKSixer15187.50

      02-21-2019, 02:34 PM   #13
Maynard
Lieutenant Colonel
United_States
1102
Rep
1,716
Posts

Drives: 2016 228iX
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Upstate NY

iTrader: (0)

When the topic of death and dying comes up and I'm not in the mood to be serious, I will say that I'd rather die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, rather than screaming in terror like the other people in his car. Figured we needed a real car joke for this thread.
Appreciate 4
Run Silent12195.00
MKSixer15187.50
Now_Rudi6288.50

      02-21-2019, 03:10 PM   #14
Run Silent
Run Deep
Run Silent's Avatar
United_States
12195
Rep
3,401
Posts

Drives: Back and Forth To Work
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: The Mountains

iTrader: (0)

Garage List
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maynard View Post
When the topic of death and dying comes up and I'm not in the mood to be serious, I will say that I'd rather die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, rather than screaming in terror like the other people in his car. Figured we needed a real car joke for this thread.



A man in his 40's bought a new BMW convertible and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 100, 120.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer
__________________
Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
Appreciate 7
MKSixer15187.50
SakhirM49500.50
Now_Rudi6288.50
paliknight1257.50
Maynard1101.50

      02-21-2019, 03:15 PM   #15
UncleWede
Long Time Admirer, First Time Owner
UncleWede's Avatar
United_States
8009
Rep
7,478
Posts

Drives: E90 325i Arctic
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Oxnard, CA

iTrader: (0)

Speaking of Cougars, do you know what 70yo pu$$y tastes like?




Depends
Appreciate 3
MKSixer15187.50
Now_Rudi6288.50

      02-21-2019, 03:17 PM   #16
Run Silent
Run Deep
Run Silent's Avatar
United_States
12195
Rep
3,401
Posts

Drives: Back and Forth To Work
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: The Mountains

iTrader: (0)

Garage List
Quote:
Originally Posted by UncleWede View Post
Speaking of Cougars, do you know what 70yo pu$$y tastes like?




Depends


__________________
Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
Appreciate 4
MKSixer15187.50
Now_Rudi6288.50
arkie6328.50

      02-21-2019, 03:22 PM   #17
MKSixer
Major General
MKSixer's Avatar
15188
Rep
7,464
Posts

Drives: 2015 BMW i8, E63 M6, 328d
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Southeast United States

iTrader: (0)

Garage List
2016 M4 GTS (Allotted)  [0.00]
2013 BMW 328d  [0.00]
2007 BMW M6  [5.00]
2015 BMW i8  [5.00]
Why do tampons have strings?

So you can floss after eating...
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by jtodd_fl View Post
Hell, I get random sausage attacks when I go anywhere.

Several actors have played James Bond, Sean Connery IS James Bond...

Fair and objective hearings don't take place in secret.
Appreciate 0
      02-21-2019, 03:24 PM   #18
UncleWede
Long Time Admirer, First Time Owner
UncleWede's Avatar
United_States
8009
Rep
7,478
Posts

Drives: E90 325i Arctic
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Oxnard, CA

iTrader: (0)

What do you call a lawyer's boat that sinks to the bottom of the ocean with 3 of his lawyer-buddies on board?


A start


(My dad, a lawyer, thinks this is the best joke EVER)
Appreciate 1
Run Silent12195.00

      02-21-2019, 03:25 PM   #19
UncleWede
Long Time Admirer, First Time Owner
UncleWede's Avatar
United_States
8009
Rep
7,478
Posts

Drives: E90 325i Arctic
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Oxnard, CA

iTrader: (0)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Run Silent View Post
Jeremy taught me that when he drove me around, it push comes to shove on CA vs. Texas purchase
Appreciate 0
      02-21-2019, 03:30 PM   #20
Run Silent
Run Deep
Run Silent's Avatar
United_States
12195
Rep
3,401
Posts

Drives: Back and Forth To Work
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: The Mountains

iTrader: (0)

Garage List
Quote:
Originally Posted by MKSixer View Post
Why do tampons have strings?

So you can floss after eating...


Ahhh..... I didn't realize we were going down that road. I raise you, sir.

---

A man and a woman are sitting at the bar one night, drinking their problems away. After a time, the man decides to ask the woman, "What's the matter, you seem really down?" The woman responds, "Well, it's just that my husband left me." The man looked surprised as the woman was quite attractive and asked "Why would he leave you?" The woman replied, "He said I was too kinky in the bedroom." Immediately the man's eyes lit up in shock at her answer. "My wife actually just left me for the same reason," he told her, and it was the truth.

The two of them get to talking and eventually she invites the man to her home. They enter her bedroom, and the woman instructs the man to take a seat on the bed, that she is going to 'get ready' in the other room. The woman proceeds to attire herself in a leather corset, complete with whip, chains, and ballgag. She heads to the pantry and grabs a bottle of whipped cream and some Tabasco sauce.

The woman then reenters the bedroom to see the man putting on his coat about to walk out the door. The woman exclaims, "What's the matter? I thought you were kinky!" to which the man replied, "Lady, I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse, I'm done here."
__________________
Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
Appreciate 6
wrickem1198.00
Now_Rudi6288.50
Maynard1101.50
MKSixer15187.50
kscarrol2167.00

      02-21-2019, 03:37 PM   #21
UncleWede
Long Time Admirer, First Time Owner
UncleWede's Avatar
United_States
8009
Rep
7,478
Posts

Drives: E90 325i Arctic
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Oxnard, CA

iTrader: (0)

Teens are getting frisky in her bedroom when they hear Mom return home. "Quick, hide in my closet. Mom can't find you here. I'll tell you when the coast is clear."

after about 10 minutes, door opens quickly and she tosses something in
hours go by, and she repeats that
Next morning, she finally opens doors and lets him out, mom has gone to work.

"I never would have survived if you didn't throw those jelly donuts in, but what do I do with the string?"
Appreciate 1
MKSixer15187.50

      02-22-2019, 10:00 AM   #22
Maynard
Lieutenant Colonel
United_States
1102
Rep
1,716
Posts

Drives: 2016 228iX
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Upstate NY

iTrader: (0)

Quote:
Originally Posted by UncleWede View Post
What do you call a lawyer's boat that sinks to the bottom of the ocean with 3 of his lawyer-buddies on board?


A start


(My dad, a lawyer, thinks this is the best joke EVER)
Love those lawyer jokes (did a year pre law before I sobered up, and collected quite a few), my fav:

When I was working in clinical research I found out s/t kind of interesting - they are now using lawyers as subjects in a lot of the experiments that they used to run on the lab rats. It seems that the research assistants don't get as attached to the lawyers, but the real benefit is that there are some things you just can't get a rat to do....
Appreciate 1
UncleWede8009.00

Post Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:46 PM.




bmw
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.11
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions Inc.
1Addicts.com, BIMMERPOST.com, E90Post.com, F30Post.com, M3Post.com, ZPost.com, 5Post.com, 6Post.com, 7Post.com, XBimmers.com logo and trademark are properties of BIMMERPOST