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      02-22-2019, 11:17 AM   #23
Dogeeseegod
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How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in old dirty sleeping bags!
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      02-22-2019, 11:44 AM   #24
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a cockroach?

One is a sewage dwelling, disease spreading, disgusting thing that will survive nuclear winter and outlive mankind and the other is an insect.
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Hell, I get random sausage attacks when I go anywhere.

Several actors have played James Bond, Sean Connery IS James Bond...

Fair and objective hearings don't take place in secret.
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      02-23-2019, 06:39 AM   #25
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A scientist goes to God and says: "God I don't need you. I have figured out the law of creation and can make anything without you." God says: "How?" The scientist leans over to pick up some dust and says: "I can make anything with this dust." God says: "Hold on. Get your own dust!"
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      02-23-2019, 08:57 AM   #26
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      02-23-2019, 12:17 PM   #27
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Prostrate exam...

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."

The old guy obeys and says, "99."

The doctor says, "Great, now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and 99."

Again, the old guy says, “99.”

The doctor said, “Very good.”

Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say 99.”

The old guy begins,

"One...

“two…

“three...
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      02-23-2019, 12:23 PM   #28
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I told my girlfriend she painted her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

Someone asked me what my view of Lesbian Relationships was. I told them 1080p if it's available.
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      02-23-2019, 12:31 PM   #29
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I once had a hardwood floor installed by lesbians. All tongue in groove, of course.
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      02-23-2019, 12:31 PM   #30
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During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters
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      02-23-2019, 12:33 PM   #31
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If you take a Baptist preacher out on your boat fishing, he’ll drink all your beer. If you take two, they won’t touch a drop.
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      02-23-2019, 12:42 PM   #32
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ''Business trip or pleasure?''

She turned, smiled and said, ''Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago.''

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, ''What's your business role at this convention?''

''Lecturer,'' she responded. ''I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.''

''Really?'' he said. ''And what kind of myths are there?''

''Well, she explained, ''one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.''

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. ''I'm sorry,'' she said, ''I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.''

''Tonto,'' the man said, ''Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.''
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      02-23-2019, 12:49 PM   #33
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      02-24-2019, 01:40 PM   #34
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Mom and the priest are into close combat into families bedroom as the husband arrived at home and the priest has to disappear into the closet to hide himself.
Also into the closet the youngest son and he goes like "Dark in here" "Ummm...yes" "I got a baseball glove..." "Thats nice" whispered the priest. "Its just 250,- for you" The priest paid the price.
One week later, same start, same game into the closet as the door was shut: "Dark in here, aint?" "...." "I got a nice pair of soccer shoes" "How much?!?" "250,-" Paid and ok
The same week, the young business man return home with brand new cowboy boots at his feet, his father noted that and ask, how he could effort those boots. "Oh, I'd just sold that old baseball glove and the soccer shoes for very good prices". Holy canoli the father responds, you must surely have betrayed someone to earn so much money. Theres only one way to go: To the church and confess your sins.
So they went to the church, the young man enters the confessional, closes the door and determind "Dark in here"
"Stop pulling the one armed bandit!" replys the priest from the other side.
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      02-24-2019, 08:47 PM   #35
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Why did the man marry the Klepto?



To see her snatch.
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      02-25-2019, 11:38 AM   #36
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How did the hipster burn his tongue?


He drank coffee before it was cool.
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      02-25-2019, 11:41 AM   #37
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A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of tequila. The bar tenders says, "What are you celebrating?" The man replies, "My first blow job." The bar tender says, "Hey way to go man! I'll throw a beer in on the house." The man responds with, "No thanks, if these three shots don't get the taste out of my mouth I doubt that beer will help."
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      02-25-2019, 11:48 AM   #38
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A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to a fast attack submarine in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

The chief of the boat is showing the new recruit around the boat, when the recruit asks the chief what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.

"Let me show you," says the chief.

He takes the recruit down to the rear of the boat past the engine room, where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.

"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."

The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the chief returns.

"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"

"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."

"Why not Thursday?"

"That's your day in the barrel."
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      02-25-2019, 12:14 PM   #39
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A man dies with millions of dollars in the bank and wants to be buried with the money but doesn't trust anyone to do it. His will directs the attorney to call The local Baptist Church, the Catholic Church, and the local synagog to get the job done. The attorney calls up representatives and tells them this wishes. At the probate they are each given a bag containing 1/3 of the money. They are then taken to the funeral home and given time with the body to stash the money and the casket is permanently sealed to take him the his final resting place. As they are being driven back they start talking among themselves about the money and what they did.
The Catholic priest says: I just couldn't put all that money away when it could do so much to help the poor and indigent. I must confess to you, my fellow brother's in the cloth that I helped myself to 25% of the money.
The Baptist minister then starts talking and says: Verily my fellow leaders of flocks but I must also confess. When I thought of all of the foreign missionary trips we could fund I couldn't, in good faith bury that money for all time. I have to confess to you that I took 50% of the funds. I will be ashamed to my dying day.
The Rabbi looks at each of them and shakes his head saying: My fellow brothers in the Lord I also had the same temptation but didn't succumb to it. I left a check in place of all the cash.
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Hell, I get random sausage attacks when I go anywhere.

Several actors have played James Bond, Sean Connery IS James Bond...

Fair and objective hearings don't take place in secret.
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      02-25-2019, 12:25 PM   #40
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A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner.
The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh no, I look like a pig"
The man nods, "AND you dropped tomato sauce on your top."
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      02-25-2019, 01:00 PM   #41
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Wherever you find 4 Catholics, you'll always find a fifth
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      02-26-2019, 02:51 AM   #42
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Did I tell you about the blind prostitute?
You have to hand it to her.
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      02-26-2019, 11:07 AM   #43
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Quote:
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Did I tell you about the blind prostitute?
You have to hand it to her.
Is that the one Kraft was seeing?
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      02-26-2019, 12:27 PM   #44
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