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      03-04-2008, 02:55 PM   #1
bartman32
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BMW jokes

I just got this one. Hope it's not a repost...

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.


"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.


Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.


"Fock me", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."
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      03-04-2008, 09:41 PM   #2
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lol
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      03-04-2008, 10:59 PM   #3
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what a joke... hehe... LOL
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      03-05-2008, 09:57 PM   #4
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      03-10-2008, 07:04 AM   #5
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lol
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      03-10-2008, 07:15 AM   #6
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very nice..
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      03-10-2008, 11:36 PM   #7
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lol
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      03-11-2008, 12:42 AM   #8
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nice
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      03-12-2008, 10:55 AM   #9
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lol, good one
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      03-19-2008, 11:01 PM   #10
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very funny! Ill be taking credit with people I know, sorry.
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      03-19-2008, 11:11 PM   #11
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Good Stuff! lol
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      05-01-2008, 03:56 PM   #12
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No one else has any good BMW jokes??
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      05-02-2008, 04:03 PM   #13
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hahaha, I just send to all my golf buddies. I'm sure they'll get a kick out of it. Thanks
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      05-29-2008, 12:50 AM   #14
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Lol Lol Lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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      05-29-2008, 01:03 AM   #15
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the dude is drunk............
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      09-15-2008, 09:32 PM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CRZ410S View Post
No one else has any good BMW jokes??
"I knew I should have bought the X5!"

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      09-15-2008, 09:34 PM   #17
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"They told me 'it flies', but I didn't believe them!"

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      09-15-2008, 09:35 PM   #18
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A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line BMW and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up, as the aroma was immediately quite pungent. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"
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      09-15-2008, 09:36 PM   #19
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Q. Why is a blondes favorite car a BMW?

A. Because she can spell it!
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      09-15-2008, 09:38 PM   #20
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CHICKEN, HORSE AND BMW

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
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      09-15-2008, 09:39 PM   #21
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BMW

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"
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      09-15-2008, 09:42 PM   #22
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Dear New BMW Owner:

Congratulations on the purchase of your new automobile! We're sure that
it will provide you with the utmost in driving pleasure and lifestyle
enhancement.


However, we must inform you that there are certain minimum requirements
that a BMW customer must meet in order to retain ownership of his or her
vehicle. Specifically, as a first time owner, you must take and pass the
following classes, offered by your local BMW dealer:


* ARR 101 -- Arrogance
A six week course explaining the details of driving habits, posture,
clothing, and other details that all lead to the arrogant appearance
and demeanor that all BMW owners must present. $800/person


* AGG 101 -- Aggressiveness
Six weeks of hands-on experience in tailgating, rapid unsignaled lane
changes, speeding, and hard breaking. When you complete this course
you'll be able to merge your car into the tiniest available spot on the
freeway and cause everyone around you to know a BMW just entered the
road, even if they couldn't see you at the time. $1000/person


* BUD 101 -- Budgeting To Make Your Car Payment
Twelve weeks. $1500/person


If this is a second (or later) BMW, then our requirements include:


* ARR 102 -- Arrogance Refresher
Three weeks of refresher course on arrogance. $650/person


* AGG 102 -- Aggressiveness Refresher
Three weeks of refresher course on aggressiveness. $850/person


* BUD 102 -- Additional Budgeting Skills
12 weeks. This course covers additional budgeting skills including:

* How to buy your teenage child his or her first BMW and
still make the payment on your own.
* The home equity loan -- your friend.
* Selling your house to pay for your car -- you can do it.
* Paying for your BMW owner training classes -- yes, you have to.
$1500/person


These classes must be completed successfully during your first 3 months of
ownership, or we will be forced to repossess your car.


In addition, we offer other classes that you may be interested in taking.
These include:


* LIF 101 -- Living Where Other BMW Owners Live
How to find those neighborhoods where your fellow BMW owners already live.
Three weeks. $500/person


* MAI 101 -- BMW Maintenance
Four weeks. Basic training in how to open your wallet to pay BMW
mechanics seven times the going hourly rate to fix your car when it
breaks. $750/person


* MAI 201 -- Advanced BMW Maintenance
Eight weeks. Admission to this class requires instructor approval.
Hypno-therapy to ease the process of opening the wallet of really
tough customers.


Please contact your BMW dealer to enroll in your required classes, and
in any of the voluntary classes that appeal to you.


Once again, we appreciate your business! Happy Driving!
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