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      03-01-2020, 11:47 PM   #1
Aimster82
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Mother-in-law overstepping

My mother-in-law came to my house last month and stayed with us for a week. I have not been married that long so this is the first time she has been over for a long period of time by herself.

She organized parts of the house to her liking and even started folding my laundry.

Then we had some guests coming over and she was directing me to clean things and even how to clean them. The house was clean to me. She also was telling me to put certain things away because it didn't look good in front of the guests.

I just went with it even though I wanted to snap her head off but I made a comment that I don't think we should be throwing the red carpet out for my guests that are coming over to my house. She sat me down and told/lectured me that I am wrong and I should care.

I feel she is overstepping.
I told my wife how I felt and of course she is on her mother's side and tells me I am a "man". Basically men should not care about the house and it is very unattractive that I care where certain things are. Her mother should be able to do what she wants and we should not bring this up to her because it will hurt her mother's feelings.

I wanted to get some thoughts on this. Is this normal when the in-laws visit? I might be thinking too much into this...
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      03-01-2020, 11:52 PM   #2
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Maybe normal for some people but IMO no it’s not normal behavior. Seems very controlling and a problem if it bothers you.
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      03-02-2020, 01:48 AM   #3
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It's only going to get worse from here on out.
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      03-02-2020, 02:14 AM   #4
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Had this once with my own mother at a few days visit, at that time I'd lived together with a former GF. Felt totally embarrassed as we came home and found our appartement totally cleaned and partly rearranged from her.
As proud as she were for her work, we tried to settle her down thankful but also a bit with anger for her doings, she had get it totally wrong and left earlier than announced. Took several phone calls to clear this entirely out, but finally she saw her overengagement.
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      03-02-2020, 03:59 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aimster82 View Post
My mother-in-law came to my house last month and stayed with us for a week. I have not been married that long so this is the first time she has been over for a long period of time by herself.

She organized parts of the house to her liking and even started folding my laundry.

Then we had some guests coming over and she was directing me to clean things and even how to clean them. The house was clean to me. She also was telling me to put certain things away because it didn't look good in front of the guests.

I just went with it even though I wanted to snap her head off but I made a comment that I don't think we should be throwing the red carpet out for my guests that are coming over to my house. She sat me down and told/lectured me that I am wrong and I should care.

I feel she is overstepping.
I told my wife how I felt and of course she is on her mother's side and tells me I am a "man". Basically men should not care about the house and it is very unattractive that I care where certain things are. Her mother should be able to do what she wants and we should not bring this up to her because it will hurt her mother's feelings.

I wanted to get some thoughts on this. Is this normal when the in-laws visit? I might be thinking too much into this...
this is 100% a boundary issue and you and your wife need to be on the same page, or you're going to be miserable for years to come. this might also be a cultural thing, so tread lightly if its not your culture, but your wife's.
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      03-02-2020, 05:00 AM   #6
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This is a boundary thing as roastbeef said, you have to decide how much latitude you're willing to give her, is this the hill you want to die on? If these visits are few and far between then maybe it isn't worth the grief, if she's going to be a regular house guest and staying for days at a time then you will have to decide if you can live with it or not. Is this worth fighting with your wife over? How would you feel if your mother came over and did the same thing and your wife was complaining about it.

Good Luck
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      03-02-2020, 05:08 AM   #7
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If your wife is siding with her mother then you have an uphill battle.
Been happily married for 20yrs and have had some major issues in the beginning with my mother-in-law. I had to squash that shit right away or my head would have exploded. Luckily,my wife agreed with my opinion/feelings on what was going on with her mom and she stood my my side. Apparently,that's not the case in your scenario....

There was a 1-2yr period where I didn't speak to my mother-in-law which was awkward at family functions but I knew I was right and I wasn't backing down on how I felt about her until she changed her ways.

All is well now as she accepted that her behavior did not sit well with my wife and I. But it took a lot of BS to achieve that. The rest of the in-laws are awesome and have been awesome from day one.

You have your work cut out for you,good luck.....
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      03-02-2020, 06:10 AM   #8
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Doesn't sound that bad, could be worse. If she wants you to clean up and you don't want to, then don't. It's your house.
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      03-02-2020, 06:26 AM   #9
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I'm siding with the mother-in-law and the wife.

If the in-law is there and guest are arriving and you have rolls of paper towels in the foyer and a blanket strewn across the living room sofa...
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      03-02-2020, 06:52 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Salty Dog View Post
This is a boundary thing as roastbeef said, you have to decide how much latitude you're willing to give her, is this the hill you want to die on? If these visits are few and far between then maybe it isn't worth the grief, if she's going to be a regular house guest and staying for days at a time then you will have to decide if you can live with it or not. Is this worth fighting with your wife over? How would you feel if your mother came over and did the same thing and your wife was complaining about it.

Good Luck
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Originally Posted by ScottSinger View Post
I'm siding with the mother-in-law and the wife.

If the in-law is there and guest are arriving and you have rolls of paper towels in the foyer and a blanket strewn across the living room sofa...
Combination of these two, I feel.

When guest come to your home, you must exhibit host behavior and roll out the red carpet. This is a non-negotiable. You have to remember that there is guy clean and girl clean. I'm fastidious and have a housekeeper that comes over but when my I have a friend over, they can always find something to improve. It's not realistic to believe that it won't happen.

Now to move to her behavior and your wife. This is something that you and your wife MUST sort out or you will be miserable. Decide what hill you want to die on. Have a hard sit-down with your wife and unite on a decision then a strategy. Your mother in law is your wife's mom and if you hold your wife in esteem, and you obviously do since you married her, you have to consider her feelings.

Once you decide, have a sit-down with your mother-in-law and determine her role when she is a guest in your house. Always remember your role as the man of the house and leader. This will keep the respect you've earned.
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      03-02-2020, 06:57 AM   #11
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Eh, contrary to those saying it will only get worse from here, I disagree. Just nut up for the week and it's over. Just like being home for the holidays. Feel like my fiance is the same when my Mom comes down to visit haha.

If it makes you feel any better I have a co-worker who's mother-in-law came to visit 4yrs ago and she still resides at his house. I have no idea how he puts up with it.

Last edited by JP10; 03-02-2020 at 08:16 AM..
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      03-02-2020, 06:59 AM   #12
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      03-02-2020, 07:24 AM   #13
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get out now before she is able to take half
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      03-02-2020, 07:29 AM   #14
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Your concerns with your mother in law need to be addressed immediately.

Sit her down and lay out the law. Do not let this drag on, as it will not change.
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      03-02-2020, 07:42 AM   #15
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there are boundaries parents and in laws should never crossed, 1. how you are raising your kids. 2. your house, rearranging furniture, telling you what to do in your own house.
out of respect, ask first if its ok to do so.

not knowing your boundaries, will create alot of issues, and fights with your spouse.
I have to say my mother in law is great and doesnt get involve but my mother that was whole different scenario. I had many issues with my mother wanting to control me, my wife and how things were done. My mistake was trying to make excuses, lead to arguments because I couldnt confront my own mother. It will only get complicated when you have kids...I havent had contact with my family for 2yrs now. I will not backed down until they realize what they did was wrong.
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      03-02-2020, 07:55 AM   #16
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I would not have let her get away with that. She's going to keep doing more & more unless you put a stop to it NOW
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      03-02-2020, 07:56 AM   #17
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No kids so you can still cut and run. Warning signs are there. Once a baby arrives you have committed to your situation.
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      03-02-2020, 08:15 AM   #18
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No.

#1 you and your wife will need to focus on building a strong foundation during the 1st 5 yrs of your marriage.

You and wife need to get on the same page about this and then wife will need to set those boundaries with her Mom and be firm.

Nothing replaces 15 minutes of eye ball to eye ball conversation on couch uninterrupted - it increases empathy and understanding and allows for the necessary connection on important issues.

Good luck! And remember there is no right way - you two will develop your own traditions and methodology.
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      03-02-2020, 08:18 AM   #19
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No.

#1 you and your wife will need to focus on building a strong foundation during the 1st 5 yrs of your marriage.

You and wife need to get on the same page about this and then wife will need to set those boundaries with her Mom and be firm.

Nothing replaces 15 minutes of eye ball to eye ball conversation on couch uninterrupted - it increases empathy and understanding and allows for the necessary connection on important issues.

Good luck! And remember there is no right way - you two will develop your own traditions and methodology.
very well said.
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      03-02-2020, 08:22 AM   #20
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Pick your battles and try not to get defensive.

Was your house clean or was it just clean enough?

I make sure things are put away, run the vacuum and make sure the guest bath is wiped down prior to guests coming over. Pretty common, IMO.

That said, boundaries are important and should be addressed if this is a trigger issue for you.
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      03-02-2020, 08:46 AM   #21
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good luck, you are in a lose lose situation.

when my wife was stuck in the bed/couch and needed helping doing pretty much anything 24/7 for a few months after an injury, her mom spent a good amount of time at our house.

everytime i got home from work, it was lets clean this or lets organize this (stuff that my wife nor I thought needed done) and it pissed me off so much. but at the end of the day, its her mom and theres always plenty of booze to get through it.
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      03-02-2020, 09:20 AM   #22
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"She also was telling me to put certain things away because it didn't look good in front of the guests. "

It depends, I might side w/ MIL: Bondage rack? Meth lab? 2-300 homemade porno tapes? (oops, dating myself there). But my general approach is that if s/t about your home bothers her enough that she needs to change it, then she needs to stay at a nice clean hotel nearby. And if, when push comes to shove, your wife truly cares more about upsetting her mother than upsetting you, she needs individual therapy (or you need to consider separation options); but talk it out to be sure this is really where she stands - habits often rise up in these situations that aren't really how they feel, just how they always acted in the past.
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